Meet Archibald, Hortense, and their son Jarvis

I thought I knew rental furniture.

In college, I lived in an apartment complex called Spanish Steppes. "Early Conquistador" captured its aesthetic - crushed velvet upholstery, a three-ton coffee table festooned with hammered metal studs, and artwork designed to look like relics from the Aztec Empire.

Plus, I cooled my heels in a corporate apartment while waiting for my townhome to be completed. After being surrounded by wood laminate, framed Monet posters, and a silk ficus for three months, I believed I could handle anything.

But nothing could have prepared me for the temporary furnishings in my new home!

I'm currently sharing living space with a matching sofa, love seat, and chair. I have named them Archibald, Hortense, and Jarvis, respectively, as they are stuffy, disagreeable, and one can't wait to get away from them. Each is encased in a poly-blend wide-wale corduroy, and stuffed with discarded kitchen sponges. Their color is best described as "Stale Bread Crumb."

At this point, some of you might be saying, "Stop being so dramatic, Amy! They wouldn't be so bad if you'd only plump the cushions a bit!" And I would love to do so, except they are firmly stitched into place with some sort of industrial-strength thread.

The good news is that - if you don't use your arms - getting up out of them is an exceptional abdominal workout.

While Archibald and his family boast proportions that eclipse just about everything else in the apartment, I would be remiss if I didn't take this opportunity to introduce you to another inhabitant, a three-legged side table named Jiminy Rickets. But don't let his 80-degree leg fool you into thinking he's some sort of delicate antique! You could turn him upside down, twist that leg with all your might, and perhaps even kick it, and that wonky appendage wouldn't budge a millimeter. I've stood on cement slabs less sturdy than ole Jiminy.

If anyone is driving past Public Storage on Swiss Avenue about now, please tell my old furniture I miss it!